Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
