his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
