we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
