when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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