Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
