There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Life is so much better after having sex.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
