hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
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