So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
