Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
