My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
