I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
