so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
