Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
