you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
soo... how was my night?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
