His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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