Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
