Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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