dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
