DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
