sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
