conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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