btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Randomize
