if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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