I cockslap morals
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
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