so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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