How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
