guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
