when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
