my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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