A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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