I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
