There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
