Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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