Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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