Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
