quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
