Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
