i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
