Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
