He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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