hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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