Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
