I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I think your dad took our porno
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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