Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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