I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
