3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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