I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
