Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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