Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
