I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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